my XL jacket

things look suddenly so different in the last two days. SO different. waking up. eating. work habits. thoughts. things i've never thought about (or just too scared to dwell on) i can't stop thinking about. i'm all of a sudden in a unexpected headspace i didn't think i'll be in for another 7.33 years - at least. the wierd part is that i have been preparing myself for days like these - but now?

meanwhile, elsewhere in my head.

mount sinai is a scary place. two times today the nurses caring for mom almost gave her the wrong iv drip (results? could be catastrophic) - it didn't happen because mom had to tell them so. little (big) things like this really makes you imagine what happens when you're not there. (there are many other things i've observed today but now might not be the best time)

another scary thing i haven't seen in a while is - well, dad's short temperedness. in short, he blew up on a nurse (though it would not seem like that from his perspective) it almost made me cry seeing him like that. something i wish i could explain but simply, can't.

if i could capture how i feel in some sorta analogy it would be a ... jacket. i'm given a new jacket, i must wear it (i can't not wear it) though it doesn't fit very well. i'm definitely not used to it but i still wear it because my father said i'll grow into it. and when i do i can take it off.

trying to be a poet, just trying to be a poet.

admist all my thoughts these lyrics came to mind -

because he lives
i can face tomorrow;
because he lives
all fear is gone;
because i know
he holds the future
and life is worth the living
just because he lives.

i can't imagine living any other way.