ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! he screams quietly.

flabbergasted. thats what i am.

in the last 5 days i've experienced more politics in school than i've ever wished or asked for. i wish i could unsee, unfeel and unexperience all that i've gone through but i can't. and its scary how much it is affecting my perspective of school + people and my moods. sadly i feel so different. so bitter. so chained. so not me.

though i don't always show it, i'm angry. not at specific people but just at the way things are done.

if i didn't know any better, if i just came into the world this week, there would be 3 behaviours which i would've learned and accepted as a 'norm', if i didn't know any better b/c monkey see monkey do.

(1) as good sound solid constructive advice, it is OK for a prof to encourage students to polish a red shiny apple for another prof - to better the relationship at hand.

(2) the prior view is OK b/c everything is a game - so therefore you must do whatever it takes in order to get what YOU want. anything.

(3) there are particular times/situations that are SO important that, it is OK to manipulate others so to attain those objectives - at whatever the costs.

if someone told me a week prior, about this specific situation, i prob would've told them to simply give it all to God. but now i realised its not as easy as that. yes, i believe that is the way to go but at the same time you have to first understand the why you feel this way. or you might just end up supressing feelings without dealing with them first.

obviously i can't de-experience myself in all that i've witnessed this week. i'm just not sure where the fine line is drawn in understanding what really happens around you and where it starts to personally eat you up. those bitter feelings which you were given without you even asking. according to me, its just not fair. yes, so poor me *pat pat*

BUT at the very end of the day (when i'm done pitying myself and all those silly things we do) its not about me anyways.

so the obvious solution to all this is simply this: i'm going to live in a bubble! (why didn't i think about this earlier? i'm brilliant!)

i'm going to stop there. this is just part 1 of 2. part 2 will be how i have overcome this situation. where you stop is where God begins. of course the choice here is where do you stop. i've obviously pushed my self limit and it is certainly about time that i stopped pretending that i've got it all under control.

less (so much less) of me more (so much more) of Him.

it don't make no sense.

i can't remember a day in which i felt so utterly helpless.

a friend of mine is battling the academic (maybe even personal) bias of a uni prof. in a midterm the prof gave a particular student a 15 year leeway in their answer (marked correct) when my friend was only off by 3 years in comparison (marked as incorrect).

so how would you justify that action? could you?

i mean, where would you even start?

"hi prof, i think you've shown personal bias in marking ______ 's paper, but i was wondering if you could please remark it? if not, could you maybe explain why you don't like me?"

"so you're not going to remark it? but you'll explain to me why you have a bias against me? wow! that'll be great! thanks!"

ok. don't think that would happen anytime soon. but that's something i definitely cannot get it out of my head. its also something i can't do much about. not right now. not in where i'm standing. nor would i even know where to begin to fight a subjective battle such as this.

* though this event lingers abit on the negative side, i'm not feeling negative / bitter / depressed but just discouraged and feeling for my wounded friend. i just can't fully accept yet that this indeed happens right before our very eyes all the time but just makes itself so much more evident in times of midterms /exams / classes.

definitely more on this later.

"potato going down a water slide"

that is what you get for staying up all night. you say some crazy witty things - the crazy part is that you might not even know it. it will almost be 36 hours since i last touched left bed. it calls. not yet. i would like to remember as much of this day before i drop.

therefore, we can deduct from poser's conservation of something something: no sleep makes everyone slower BUT funnier. it's inevitiable.

i was so close to finishing my project. maybe another hour from finishing. of course without jeremy sharing his plastics with me i wouldn't even be able to say ' i was so close of finishing my project'.

this weekend i did something i haven't done since first year uni. i pretty much completed a project within the comforts of home, not in the studio. its been a quiet weekend, especially with the usual studio rats in montreal (returning tonight).

arthur bought johnny a belated birthday present - a mircosoft wireless mouse. johnny was speechless.

we finally have a theme for the upcoming coffeehouse: God's unconditionally love period.

(oy me eyes twitching again, think they're trying to tell me something)

2nd year anna bought me a postcard from montreal. in it, jesus points up, giving what is due to his father in heaven. something i don't do enough.

2 minutes prior, ______ from 2nd year bought me a caramilk for helping her plot. didn't do much but next time (no matter how embarrassing) i must ask her her name or it'll be another one of those 'hey you' situations.

2 days prior i found stanley on friendster. i haven't seen that guy since grade 9 and 10. that guy has the gentliest heart. remember always asking him to come to our church outreach events then in grade 11 i lost contact with him. so glad we spoke again.

"and scene" (brought back from the archives by jeremy from 2nd year)

mom + some random thoughts

mom finally came out of mount sinai - back into the comforts of her own home. though she's still confined - being attached to an iv dripper 24/7. a nurse will visit her every every night @ 6pm for the next two weeks. the doctors decided to 'up' the dosage of antibiotics even more. (even though she's "free", dad is still uneasy.) i must admit, this has been the longest week that i could remember.

here's a scary thought. mom suggested to me today that she didn't know what as scarier: being in a hopsital for having bacteria in your heart or the nurses at mount sinai. both mom and dad have lost complete trust in the quality of the canadian health care services during this last eights days.

just today, a ms nurse toke a whooping total of 3 (!) trys to find mom's main vein in her left arm. (can you believe that?) as a result mom just looks like she got in a serious arm fight before she left.

i'm simply lost for words.

on a much much more giving-all-glory-to-God note, sista gaile finally ties the knot tonight (!)

i've noticed in the last week (or two) my creativity in writing, designing, anything! spiralled downwards.

yesterday a good chunk of my friends went to montreal to compete in an annual architecture competition. i was supposed to go but i guess that didn't work out just as well.

something really neat happened wednesday. cy asked me if he could take my bible to montreal with him. at first i didn't understand why but in the end i gave it to him - told him to read (if he has the time) all that i highlighted and drew little symbols beside. can we say thank you holy spirit?

though this week had been extremely dramatic and slow, i've noticed even more God working in my life this week. can't explain that one yet but i definitely do think it has to do with prayer, yes. less of me, more of Him.

looking back at this week i've also realised that i'm dangerously becoming the 'busy christian'. its overwhelming. must seek that balance.

then alex v1.0 shared something that just pointed my eyes back to where it should be. 2 chronicles 7:14 says

"if my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will i hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."

waiting for soon

good news! mom (may) be able to escape (yes) mount sinai tomorrow.

although she is seriously skinny from all the blood loss, she may be able to sleep in the comforts of her own bed tomorrow night. once mom is home a nurse will come visit a couple times a day to hook her up to more penniciline. though she is out, she still needs to rid of all the bacteria in her heart.

yesterday i didn't get a chance to visit mom due to my busy-ness. by the time i finished with school + things visiting hours were over. boo. times like this i realise that i'm a "busy" christian (not a good thing at all). i get so preoccupied with the doing that the single one most important thing suffers - the one most meaningful relationship.

periodically i go through all my journals from years back and today i stumbled upon something my buddy the CHENGer wrote december 22, 2001 in a christmas card:

"... i know this year wasn't always easy - not for you, not for me, not for anyone, really.

but the questions you're asking now - questions about God, about yourself, about school, about friends, about life in general - know that there are answers to these quetsions, and know that with time, God's gonna show you why, one by one, things happen the way they do.

remember this much ____ : life .. it's like a tapestry. when you look at it and see nothing but knots, loose ends, and a seeming mess of incomprehensible and meaningless strands, know that on the other side, these "mistakes" create a masterpiece.

fine, it doesn't make sense now, but that's because we're on this side of the fence. all we can do is trust that God's done something gorgeous on the other side."

can't stop smiling now 0_o

hi, how are you today?

as of yesterday, mom can no longer (even after she fully recovers) lift heavy objects due to her heart, nor can dad.

silly me. this morning i told mom that she looked skinnier (her arms especially) then she replied, in her own way (just in a weaker voice than usual), when was the last time you've seen a person get fat while in the hospital?

haha. that was funny.

mom is beginning to take this medicine that better helps regulate her blood flow into her heart. the reason for this wasn't what i expected to hear. the something valve that keeps the blood from pumping backwards back into the heart is wavering, as though it can't decide whether to stay open or closed - which is dangerous for mom. (technically the valve should only open when the blood passes through. other times it should remain closed)

from now on, mom's heart and i will undergo some crazy endurance testing. it is EXACTLY as jesus says in luke 6.

46 "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?

47 I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice.

48 He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.

49 But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete."

this is the test. all i know is that heart and i are going to endure, YEA YEA!

my XL jacket

things look suddenly so different in the last two days. SO different. waking up. eating. work habits. thoughts. things i've never thought about (or just too scared to dwell on) i can't stop thinking about. i'm all of a sudden in a unexpected headspace i didn't think i'll be in for another 7.33 years - at least. the wierd part is that i have been preparing myself for days like these - but now?

meanwhile, elsewhere in my head.

mount sinai is a scary place. two times today the nurses caring for mom almost gave her the wrong iv drip (results? could be catastrophic) - it didn't happen because mom had to tell them so. little (big) things like this really makes you imagine what happens when you're not there. (there are many other things i've observed today but now might not be the best time)

another scary thing i haven't seen in a while is - well, dad's short temperedness. in short, he blew up on a nurse (though it would not seem like that from his perspective) it almost made me cry seeing him like that. something i wish i could explain but simply, can't.

if i could capture how i feel in some sorta analogy it would be a ... jacket. i'm given a new jacket, i must wear it (i can't not wear it) though it doesn't fit very well. i'm definitely not used to it but i still wear it because my father said i'll grow into it. and when i do i can take it off.

trying to be a poet, just trying to be a poet.

admist all my thoughts these lyrics came to mind -

because he lives
i can face tomorrow;
because he lives
all fear is gone;
because i know
he holds the future
and life is worth the living
just because he lives.

i can't imagine living any other way.

waiting

just returned from the hospital, mom looks sleepy but altogether her normal self. surprisely, less worried than she ever is. dad sat supportingly beside her, reading.

mom shares a room with an eldery woman, having just had her fourth stroke.

in the next two weeks, its all about the bacteria! everyday litres of blood will be drawn from mom to moniter her blood condition. this will determine (evenutally = soon) the exact type of bacteria infecting mom's heart. the doctors are concerned that if the appropriate antibiotics aren't ministered within a specific timeframe, the bacteria may break down the valves in the heart, eventually clodding it, leading up to a stroke.

mom is prob sleeping right now as she hasn't sleep due to all the tests and treatments. she says that since mount sinai is a teaching hospital, at one point this morning, a group of med students were going to use mom as a 'specimen'. but luckily that did not happen.

no better place to start

since i've been back from england, i've stopped writing in my journal everyday like i'm used to. just two days ago i thought i would like to begin again. then yesterday i thought, there's no better time than now.

*******

oct 14 – oct 15 (310am)

last night on the subway, i thought about one verse in particular:

“let us acknowledge the lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. as surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”

hosea 6: 3

today began like any other day, dad driving me to finch, dropping me off. (usually mom is also in the car going to work but lately she has been sick with a fever) but I learned something during that 11 minutes something that I simply didn’t expect. mom has depression. it’s a shock yet its not. it makes sense. the way she acts. Her reserved ness, just like dad (though dad is just dad). its also not a surprise to me that ‘mom has depression’ is a speculation – it’s a hunch my dad has but i think he’s right.

When i returned home from another ordinary day at school at 545pm my dad left me a note on the kitchen table. it read:

“Justin, I am taking mom to Mount Sinai Hospital’s emergency for hospitalization. Will be back when things settle. Dad 530pm”

from what I was told, this is what happened. at 515pm the blood culture doctor called mom to tell her that she had to be hospitalized immediately. mom has been having fevers since late august. she has taken more sick leaves in the last two months than I could ever remember. so in 15 minutes dad helped mom pack her things and off they went to mount sinai. (auntie rose and uncle tony drove them) at approximately 730pm mom called to say they were stuck in traffic and that mom will be undergoing ‘treatments’. at 116am dad called to ask me to pick him up from the hospital.

on the drive back i learned a little more about what’s happening. mom’s recent fevers have been caused by bacteria in her blood. since august, the tainted blood made its way into her heart. so for the next week till two weeks, she will be undergoing treatment and tests as the doctors and cardiologists try to determine what bacteria is causing this condition. things still seem very vague to me but I guess we’ll know a little more as the days progress. i will visit mom in a few hours. visiting hours are from 11 till 8.

since 545pm till 116am i’ve had peace that can only come from my father above. of course i’m totally concerned (who wouldn’t be?) but at the same time I truly take to heart what the verse says. as surely as the sun rises everyday (though we may not see it due to a cloudy day, it still rises!), so will God take care of those whom he loves, beyond what we may (ever) comprehend.

at 310am dad and I ate an early dinner.