indescribable.

since the last entry, i've had an amazing relevation.

if i could share it with ya in just two words:

knowing Him.

everything i ever need, desire, strive for begins with those two words (i realised).

i say, i need more faith.
i say, i want more compassion.
i say, i want to fear You more.
i say, i want to bear more fruits for You ...

in response God said if you want all this, then seek Me first.

i didn't know what to say. dumbfounded, yea a little. speechless, completely.

it only makes so much sense. how did i ever expect to see the outcomes first without the single most important thing? the intimate relationship with the Source of all these things which i so desire. if you think about this, everything comes down to those two words.

absolutely everything.

you want to know the meaning of life?
you're tired taking on all this by yourself?

you see, it inevitably comes back to knowing Jesus, knowing just where we stand and that He has always been waiting for us with arms stretch out wide, waiting to embrace us. again and again and again ...

it is only when we continue in this relationship with God that we will experience the things and life that we earnestly desire manifest itself, naturally (!)

this relevation couldn't come at a better time.

jesse: pt one

as i sat in my room last night, door shut, i heard something so familiar in the kitchen that i haven't heard in a while now. mom was laughing out loud like, always. so nice.

how is she? she's doing great. she's so much more active now (since she's only carrying one iv pack now). though she carries less, her dosage of antibiotics is more. so it may be another couple weeks before everything is cleared out of her. as a result of all this, dad is even less stressed now.

*******

i'm so excited for tomorrow. since its my day "off" school (though i'm in the studio 6 days a week anyways) i'll be having lunch with jesse ! this is a man of God, a brother, i've truly missed since i graduated from jackson. he's one of those unique individuals that you think of out of the blue (b/c ya miss him so)
so tomorrow we're (finally!) going to get a 'scheduled' opportunity to fill each other in our last .. four years (!)

*******

as i walked the 11 minutes of solitude from the bus stop back home (130am) i reflected on God's word i read this morning. God spoke profoundly into my life. i was reminded again (thank you!) that this life simply is NOT mine.

i often (so many many times!) chose comfort + security over the one (and only) thing that i claim means more to me than anything else in this world. its sad but true. how can i be so short sighted? its like choosing the second best (not even! sometimes i don't even know what is best) when the absolute best is offered to you, is handed directly to you, placed in your hands and you still refuse to accept it. yea, i mean, who does that? (me) i make some silly, silly choices. but despite my inadequancy to grasp God's best for me (something which never changes) He renders me to see (in His usual patient and unconditionally loving way) the one and only possible way to live my life ..

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit" - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." [ james 4.13-5 ]

305am. must continue this tomorrow (or next blog) goodnight! [ zzz ]